I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
my phone needs a breathalizer
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
