pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
