Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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