my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
