a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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