im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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