Im at strip club and am horny
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
