My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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