Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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