just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
