So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
