did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
