I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
