I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
