Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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