He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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