he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
