life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
