she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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