I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
