She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
