Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
