I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
