She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
