apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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