She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
