HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
