bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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