I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
