I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
