I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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