I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
