Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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