Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
