Joe is yelling at the trees again.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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