Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
