All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
