batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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