How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize