I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
