I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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