either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
