I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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