The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
