i think i have two assholes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
