Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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