just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
