Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
