I wish I could teleport
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
