Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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